fears

1) choking to death. i have this irrational fear of choking on my food. sometimes i'll be eating and i'll forget how to swallow. and the bite will stop in my throat and and i'll have to concentrate on breathing around it until i can manage to get it down. and the fear in that moment is paralyzing. sometimes i have to stop eating to make it go away, because the same thing will happen with every bite i take. this happens fairly regularly.

2) standing on small objects. this isn't a death fear, more of a concern that i will fall off or break it. i can't stand on chairs. i once made my roommate paint our entire ceiling because i couldn't get on a ladder. she got a nasty crick in her neck. and even though the fear is of minor injury at worst, it still makes me shake and tremble.

3) turbulence. this one is new. i had some nasty turbulence on a flight a couple of weeks ago. things hit the ceiling. and for a moment i knew just what it would feel like for a plane to go down. on the flight home tonight we had your normal bumps and dips, but i almost lost it. my toes curled. my knuckles whitened. and my heart started beating so fast i thought it would never slow down.