reconstructing memory

i joked before that the loss of my old computer was like losing a piece of my brain. the thing is, i wasn't really joking. i have a new computer now, and it's simultaneously thrilling and terrifying. it’s like a blank slate. my old computer was teeming with little bits and pieces of my life from the last three years - music, photos, writings, school assignments, emails...some of them were corrupted, some fractured and some hidden. some things didn't work right, some things had viruses and many had fallen into disarray. but it was mine. i knew how it worked and where to find things and what my limits were.

now i have this new computer, and its really up to me to decide how to compose it - what to bring over from my old computer and what to leave behind. this is good because i can pick and choose the music i actually listen (or want to listen) to, i can wade through the photographs and only bring the ones i truly want to keep and i can leave three-year-old finance assignments on my external hard drive. its a chance to organize and reconstruct my brain, without all the useless bits and corrupt files - to streamline. i'll free up memory and everything will run a bit better.

but its sad, too. there were some great things in that computer that i'll surely forget to bring over, or that won't mesh with my pc to mac transition. my physical brain's amnesia will invade my computer brain. and its the consciousness of this reconstruction that i find terrifying. we all do it, i know, but i don't like the idea of reshaping my memory. as imperfect and wonderful and painful as it is, i like it that way: as it is.